I did not survive another year......
Sitting here on the morn of my 46th year walking this earth has thrown my brain into a tailspin of reflection and contemplation.
I awoke this morning with an overwhelming sense of peace and quiet. This hasn't happened in quite a while. I'm usually up at 5 am and in bed by 10. Oh yes, boys and girls, I'm one of those "feels older than I look" type people that thrive on a schedule.
Yes, there is the everlasting and nagging pain in my shoulder and in my lower back, but I know those will never subside or go away. The best I can hope for is that lovely ebb and flow of relief through the day from sitting, standing or bending into the "sweet spot" position that gives momentary relief and lets me pretend, if for just a moment, that I'm not in pain.
A few things before I delve into the reason for the peace and quiet this morning.... The name of the blog. I know there are some of you that will see the word FAT and get completely butt hurt and upset thinking you have the need or right to be "offended" for me or I have no right to use that word in relation to describing myself. To those "keyboard warriors" I simply say, ummmm, fuck you. I have the right to describe myself, my personality and/or my appearance any damn way I choose and if you don't like it or it offends you, so be it, don't read any further because I guarantee you that by the end of this and probably every post on this blog you will want to start a petition to make me the evilest bitch on the earth. I am fat, no acronyms, no switch in meaning, simply fat. I'm a whopping 5'5" and weight 190. Got boobs, got hips, got a belly. Granted down from an all time high of 275, but still, fat. I don't need anyone to sugar coat it and make it pleasant for me. I like how I am, shit, I LOVE how I am. I could be a bit healthier, but I'm doing alright.
I knit. I crochet. I love to paint t-shirts and other clothing and household items. For the BAD part of it.... I'm better at some of those things than others, but I love them all and have an overwhelming passion for them and I'm in the process of starting a site to sell the items I make.
Now for the original reason for the post.
I started thinking about starting a blog/journal/conversation, whatever we're calling it these days, about a week ago. I wasn't sure if I had anything to say that anyone else would be interested in. Then I thought long and hard about some of the other blogs that I've read and scanned over. None of them have anything overly interesting to the general public, but all of them in one way or another have a strong niche following. Be they pattern collectors, #crochitters, youtube watchers, cooks, housewives, mothers or fathers, there is someone out there just like you. Throwing all the "snowflake" bullshit out the window, there are over 7 billion people on this planet and the chances that you are so individual that there's no one like you is, oh I don't know, 1 in 7,000,000,000. Come on, get over yourself.
I, just like everyone on this planet, have had ups and downs in my life. A few know parts of my story and I may, if inclined at a later date, will share a few here and there. The point is, everyone has ups and downs. Some have more downs than ups and for some, it's the opposite, but everyone has tides to their emotions and situations. Good and bad, highs and lows. It's the one thing you can be guaranteed of, like death and taxes. For many years I focused on the DOWNS. Narcissistic family, financial issues, infidelity (not me, Oh my, no) just a laundry list of bad things over and over again for years at a time. Combine that with, not just low, but rock bottom self-esteem and you have a recipe for disaster. A vicious circle of not believing I was deserving of good things because good things never came my way, over and over again.
Then an epiphany. Screw this, it's affecting my health, how I raise my daughter, how I interact with people. I stopped caring what others thought of me. I stopped keeping my mouth shut. I started doing what I loved. Guess what.... All those good things came around. Yes, there are still ups and down, highs and lows, but I don't focus on the bad or the past. The bad is only there for a moment and the past can't be changed. TODAY....RIGHT NOW. What can I do to make myself smile at this moment?
This year I stepped out of my comfort zone and Put my mug to the camera and did videos for someone that I admire and adore. The more videos I did, the more of my true personality came out. (I'll put all his links at the end, hopefully, you enjoy him as much as I do) I put myself out there and people reacted, in a positive way. I've made friends that I would go to the mat for and they would do the same for me. My world has expanded beyond my front door and I'm loving it. I find reasons to smile and laugh every day. I speak about my passions and opinions, I hold nothing back and people accept it. They don't always agree, but that's life. Snowflakes, remember?
So this year, when I awoke and finally rolled out of bed, got my coffee and lit a cigarette and said to myself "Well girlie, you survived yet another year." My new self stepped in and yelled as loud as she could "NO!!! You did not SURVIVE another year!! YOU LIVED!!!"
She's right. I did not survive. The definition of survival is having the bare necessities. Food, shelter, clothing and the basics. I went way beyond that. Wonderful husband, home, healthy child, love, laughter, joy and true happiness. These things are not survival, they are LIVING in the rawest and most honest way one can. I have friends who love me, constant laughter and the joy of making a bit of money doing what I love. Yes, I LIVED this past year and I plan to live for a lot more.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFUcADv2iqffMvDFIF_yQxQ
Knitter Be Damned show on Gregory Patrick's Youtube.com channel
If you have a blog or shop that you want out there, please post a link in the comments, get the word out. If I can help advertise my friends I will.
