Into the New Year...and beyond

I know that its been a while since I posted anything and there's a reason for that.  My last post was done about a week before American Thanksgiving and that's when it all starts.  I've never called it "Depression" or the blues or anything even close.

I haven't had the easiest life, but I firmly believe that you have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move on, no matter what life throws at you.  There was a time when I felt the need to go to a psychiatrist to "work" on some of the issues that had been shelled out over my 30 something years. This mainly happened because I'd lost faith in who I was as a person and my place in the world.  After a couple years of swapping medications and intense "talk" therapy, the powers that be decided that I had something called "Medication resistant Bi-polar Disorder".  Yeah, you name it and I've taken it for one thing or another.

Here's where it gets a bit "wonky" for those of you who are completely science based and follow blindly.  I met a woman on a trip just outside of Boston, MA.  Yeah, we'll tell the truth, it was Salem, but the location is simple semantics.  Or is it.

I was getting a cup of coffee and pushing my daughter in her stroller, out for one of the many day trips we took when she was small.  Gabbie began to throw a fit.  To this day I have no clue as to why, but I remember it being a tantrum of epic proportions.  Going into my normal routine, talked to her, held her, cuddled her and began to cry.  That was how it went 100% of the time.  Never a question, never a deviation.  It began with a tantrum and ended with me in tears.  20 emotions running through me within a span of 15 minutes.  She would calm and I would slip back into routine as if nothing had happened at all, with the exception of me being emotionally drained.

Without me knowing she was there, this woman named Cheryl watched the entire episode.  When all was said and done she approached me and with the most gentle smile she ask me the one thing that no one had ever ask me "Are you alright?".  Before then people would as about the baby and coo, gurgle, baby talk and stand over the stroller worried over my daughter's comfort and well being.  I never thought twice about it before.  It was just something that happened.  This woman was different.  She saw ME.  Not that she didn't see the baby who was happily chewing her fingers as if everything was right in the world and her only job was to gnaw on her hands.

I don't remember much of that first conversation with Cheryl.  I remember talking about mood swings and tantrums and childcare and comfort.  That's what I remember most about that first meeting.  Comfort and familiarity. I knew this woman.  I didn't know how, I couldn't tell you why I knew.  I just knew.

We became friends over the next year.  Her traveling to Western MA to visit me and us traveling East to visit her.  Simple day trips, nothing extended.  Tons of emails and even more phone calls at all hours.  We still chat regularly 14 years later, though the trips haven't happened in a few years since I moved to Montreal.

During our conversations we discussed that we were both Wiccan and it's meaning for our place in the universe.  How everything is energy and all energy ties into itself in different forms.  The ability of the sun, moon, planets and tides had on mood and outcome.  I remember making a crack about all of bodies being out of alignment when I was born because I was the moodiest bitch you'd ever seen and I couldn't control it most of the time.  She laughed at me so hard she snorted.  I explained to her about this "diagnosis" I had received and she laughed even harder.  Of course I got upset and didn't talk to her for almost a week.

She called and apologized asking me to let her explain.  She ask me questions about my family, Gabbie, friends I hung out with and where I was when these "severe" mood swings occurred.  Three hours later she told me she was coming to visit the next day, she has something to show me.  That visit changed my life and how I deal with people in person and on the internet.

We went to lunch and hung out for the day.  No issues, no problems.  Simple laughter and peace through the day.  Then she started talking about how her mother passed away.  Her love for her mom, how hard it was for her to deal with it.  The anger she felt at people who drink and drive.  A myriad of emotions all rolling one after another.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  We had discussed all those subjects individually over the phone and in person, but with a distinct lack of personal emotion.  You can't change the past so anger, resentment and sorrow did no one any good.  That was my thinking anyway. My mood swing hit hard.  I went from being fine to hurt, upset, sad, angry and ended in tears.  It was like watching an epic movie while drunk.  I felt everything she felt.  Every bit of intensity and reality.  It was as if it all happened to me.  Moods swinging like a pendulum.  From one extreme to the next and back.  Uncontrolled and raw.  What the hell? 

A bit of research and many late night conversations later, I discovered that I am an Empath.  I feed off other's moods.  Experience their highs and lows as if the feelings are genuinely mine.  If you're in bad mood, I slip into the exact same mood.  You have no idea what that opened up for my mind.  It explained everything. 

When I'm alone and knitting, crocheting, reading, watching television, an entire myriad of activities that I enjoy, I am at peace.  When I'm with others, my mood mirrors what others feel.  I spend untold hours mulling over conversations with therapists and doctors about triggers and situations to avoid to prevent rapid cycles of moods.  No wonder medication didn't work.  It's not a chemical imbalance, it's me.  Just me.  I do hope that this explains some of my other posts.  You can read them and tell what I was feeling at the time and if you truly know me and my friends then you'll know what brought those moods on.

You now know the reason I keep to myself 90% of the time.  I love interacting on the Knitter Be Damned Facebook page and doing videos and experiencing the lives of all the fans and members.  There are things I don't comment on and now you know the reasons.  I've honed my emotional reactions over the last 10 years or so and the swings aren't so bad.  That's also the reason I become a bit distant during the Holidays.  Smile tons and fake it till you make it.  That's my motto. You have the background and reasoning, now on to bigger and more important things.

The New Year.  Yes I know I'm rambling and some of this isn't as clear as you would like it to be, but this is how my mind works and now that all of the emotion is beginning to settle, the hustle and bustle of the season winding to an close I can sit calmly with just me, myself and I to impart some of my wisdom on you, my lovely readers.

As 2017 ends and 2018 begins, remember.  Simply that....remember.  Look into the mirror and remember the last 12 months and everything you did and accomplished.  Keep in mind the mistakes not to be repeated, but don't regret them.  Never regret.  If you like the person you are at this moment then you can't have any regrets.  Every action taken, every word spoken brought you to where you are at this moment.  If your fingertips are brushing the brass ring then stretch just a bit further and it will all be yours.  Reconnect with that friend you haven't spoken to in years.  If they meant something to you then, hash it out.  We only get one ride on this rock and tomorrow isn't a guarantee.  Remember, no regrets.

On the other hand, it may sound cold and callous but you deserve the best.  I don't care if someone shares DNA with you or you're married into another family.  NO ONE has the right to belittle and degrade you, NO ONE.  This judgmental attitude of never turning your back on family is outdated and plain out wrong.  Just because someone gave birth to you or shares the same last name as you doesn't give them the right to treat you like crap and make unrealistic demands on you for their own well being and comfort.  Hope, kindness, respect and empathy are 4 of the best words in the dictionary.  I personally feel that those 4 words are all that are needed to define HUMANITY.  Keep in mind, if you can't use those 4 little words (in any combination) to describe your relationship with another person, then you don't need that person in your life.  In my case, if you drain me emotionally on a regular basis, I tend to back away.  I don't have enough energy to have is zapped by drama.

If the 4 words above describe your relationship with someone, they are a keeper.  Hold them close and hold them tight for they are rare.  Love them with all the fierce instinct of a lioness protecting her cubs.  These will be the people that carry you over life's hurdles and hold up that yellow tape as you cross the finish line.

Pack away all the despair, hopelessness, anger and loss into a box.  Place it on a protected shelf in your mind.  Yes, one day you may need to open that box, but hopefully by then some of the sting will be gone from those things.  When the sun rose this morning it ushered in not only a new day, a new month, a new year, but the possibility of a new beginning.  You can start over as many times as you like, but only once a year does the entire world get to emotionally reboot at the same time.

A dear friend of mine chooses not to make "resolutions" for the New Year, he calls them goals.  I have to agree.  The dictionary defines a Resolution as a firm decision to do or not do something OR the action of solving a problem, dispute or contentious matter.  Goals are neither.  Goals give you something to reach for without taking something away.  A way to stand firmly on solid ground while you work out how best to get there.  Goals can evolve, change with the situation or even be laid aside for the moment because something more important arises.

I think this is enough for today.  My goal is to speak to you more often in the new year.  I'll do my best to make it happen.

Much love and hope for a great New Year for you all,

S